Thanks Prince

Remember when Lard Ass roughed up Parra in the dugout? That was on August 5th, 2008. Many think this was the downfall of the mentally unstable young lefty. Prince basically broke Parra’s brain. After hours and hours of intense research (like you expected anything less on this site), here’s the breakdown of Parra’s career:

Pre Brain Breakage:

9-6, 4.11 ERA, 1.489 WHIP

Post Brain Breakage:

13-17, 5.73 ERA, 1.72 WHIP

Everyone's Drivers Ed Teacher?

Thank You, Nubs

That was a fantastic link. Which prompted me to make a few stupid predictions on the NFL draft...it's an annual event. I watch way too much college football and read way too much draft talk NOT to make a few predictions. Delete this in two years when all this junk is wrong.

Random Guys I like:

DonkeyKong Suh, DT, Nebraska. If he's not a stud, I give up. I'll put all my football credibility (if there is any) that he's a monster in the NFL. Hopefully Detroit is dumb enough to pass on him, because he might throw Scott Wells into the bleachers next year.

Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU - I'll do backflips if GB takes him at 23. Love this guy.

Eric Berry, S, Tenn - Ed Reed, Part II

OB Schoefield, OLB, Wiscy - I'd absolutely take a flyer on this guy in round 4-5. I like his game.

Rolando McClain, MLB, Bama - He's this year's Patrick Willis. Will get picked in the 12-15 range, but ends up as one of the top 5 players of this draft. Book it.

Mike Iupati, G, Idaho - He's a guard. From Idaho. What's not to like? Seriously, he's like the slow kid in high school who was a stud football player. Dumb as a box of hammers, but loved to maul kids. That's this guy.

Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma - Stud. He's Jermichael Finley all over again. Looking like a 2nd rounder, which is crazy.

Rennie Curran, LB, Georgia - I watch a lot of SEC football. This guy's always making plays. Steal in the 4-5 rounds.


Guys I don't like

Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma - I don't see it. I'll probably be %100 wrong, but he'll be a bust of David Carr-proportions.

Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame - He's from Notre Dame, so I'm obligated to hate him.

Bryan Bulaga, Beef, Iowa - Come on. Just watch the tape of Brandon Graham abusing him like Stryker on a Gin and Tonic. Maybe Graham is awesome, but still.

Jason Pierre-Paul, OLB, South Florida. The next Demarcus Ware, supposedly. Dripping with talent (6-5 and fast), he's a basketball player in cleats. Too bad he plays like, well, a basketball player in cleats. Watch the Raiders take him at 8.

Tim Tebow, You know The Rest - No way, no how, he's a good NFL QB. And I actually like him. He's a good guy, I love the SEC, and he was a great College Football player. If somebody takes him in the first round, they should be fired. He's just not an NFL QB. He throws like Allen Evridge. Plus, I heard Dickie Vitale on the radio a half-dozen times endorsing Tebow. Dickie V also said the Magic were crazy for drafting Dwight Howard over Emecka Okafer and thought Chris Bosh was a terrible pick....and Mike Dunleavy Jr was a future star. So there. If he can't get basketball drafts right, what the fuck does he know about football?

Dez Bryant, WR, Okey St - This guy's a greasefire.

Garbage Drafts From The Last 25 Years

The NFL draft will be here soon. Time for a crappy NFL draft for the ages. How about 1992?

1) Steve Entmann - Was actually pretty good, but blew out his knee like 9 times. Unfairly gets the "bust" label.
2) Quentin Coryatt - Bust. But you still can't discount this highlight of him ending some poor TCU reciever's life. I'm not sure if that guy's come out of the coma yet.
3) Sean Gilbert - Fat POS
4) Desmond Howard - Helped GB win at Super Bowl. That's about it.
5) T-Buck - No explanation needed
6) David Klingler - Wow.
7) Troy Vincent - The Wisconsin product was a very good player for a long time. To think, GB passed on him for fucking T-Buck??
8) Bob Whitfield - Whatever
9) Tommy Vardell - Really? You're gonna take a white fullback from Stanford with the 9th pick? Really??
10) Ray Roberts - Bustola
11) Leon Searcy - Solid tackle for a while in Jacksonville.
12) Marco Coleman - Don't really remember this guy, but he did make a Pro Bowl at one point.
13) Eugene Chung - Kicked around with the Packers for a while....had no idea someone spent the #13 pick on this guy.
14) Derek Brown - a career total of 43 catches. Enough said.
15) Johnny Mitchell - Despite dubbing himself "7-11" because he was "open 24 hours," only peaked for about 2 years then shit the bed.
16) Chester McClocklin - Solid DT for a while
17) Kevin Smith - Slightly above Garbage
18) Dana Hall - Junk
19) Tony Smith - a great trivia question: was the Green Bay's pick in exchange for Brett Favre. Rushed for a grand total of 485 yards. Oops. Brett Favre, on the other hand, was quite a bit better than that.

I'll just stop here. You get the point. When looking for quality/deep drafts, 1992 was not one of those.

Happy Drafting!

Now THIS is a Poll Question I'm Down With

From today's JS.

It's March, Bitches!!!!!

A) I couldn't look at Lady Elaine anymore, and B) it's time to start thinking about March Madness. Here are a few teams I like.

1) The Big-12 second tier. Mizzu plays that hard-to-prepare-for full court press. Their coach (Mike Anderson) took friggin UAB to conscucitve sweet 16s using this style and also made a run last year. They'll probably be a 7 or 8 seed who'll spring an upset. I also like Baylor as a 9-10 seed, and can you believe Texas A&M has won a tournament game in each of the last 4 years? No joke - look it up.

2) Ole Miss. Yeah, I know the Rebels might not even make the dance. But if they do, they've got the 3 guard lineup to scare anyone. I see a nice 10-7 upset for Ole Miss.

3) Ohio State. I'm hoping for OSU to fail in the Big-11 tournament and get like a low 2, high 3 seed in the NCAAs. If they do, the Buckeyes will lay in the weeds and reach the Final 4. I could easily see Evan Turner beat a young squad like Kentucky to reach Indianapolis.

4) Cornell. Out of the Ivy, Cornell will probably get a terrible seed. Doesn't matter. They'll scare the shit out of whoever they play in round 1 and 2. Book it.

5) Vanderbilt. Just look at their records the last 6 years, you'll be stunned. It's a good program. They'll win two games and you'll be asking WTF??

6) The Golden Eagles of Marquette. Has anybody exceeded expectations more than Marquette? I have to give props to Buzz....coming in they had: Lazar Hayward, a couple JUCOs, zero size, zero depth, and were picked 12th in the Big East. MU has crushed those predictions. They seem to play to the level of the competition, so if they play a junk team or a stud in the tourney, expect the game to be decided in the final minute.

Warning: You should probably bet AGAINST these teams as I really don't know what the F i'm talking about. Thanks.

Striker, Murdock, and I will be Curling on Saturday - so expect an awesome post about that experience. The odds of me falling on my ass? Even.

Worst Poll Question Ever

Did the JS really just ask this question?

College Footbal, Circa 2015

Texas to the Big-11? Supposedly the powers-that-be are in discussions. It’s not gonna happen. Texas does want out of the Big-12, no doubt. They’re too high and mighty to travel to outposts like Ames, Stillwater, and Manhattan (the Kansas version) on a consistent basis. Why not join the Big-10? Too cold. The Horns want no part of visiting Minneapolis or East Lansing for late November football game. Yes, the TV money would be nice, but soon every conference will have similar deals. So, where will big, bad, Texas end up? They’re about to set off a chain-reaction that will destroy the current NCAA landscape into Megaconferences. Fast forward to 2015 and enjoy the “1-800-Flowers Rose Bowl Sponsored by Hyundai Brought to You By Apple On Your 6,00i 3D HD LCD iPad.”


Pac-14
Instead of heading north, Texas stays warm and heads west. Yeah, Pullman, Washington isn’t any better than Ames – well, actually, everything’s better than Ames, Iowa. Plus, Texas can bask in the glow of Los Angeles twice a year, travel to Seattle, hit the Bay Area twice, and relax in Phoenix. That’s a better lineup than West Lafayette, State College, and Bloomington by a country mile. And with Oklahoma, Colorado, and Texas A&M tagging along with UT, the Pac-14 owns pretty much every TV eyeball west of the Mighty Mississippi. That equals a pretty sweet TV package. Your new Pac-14 is:

East: Texas, Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Colorado, Arizona, Arizona State, UCLA
West: Washington, Wazzu, Stanford, Cal, USC, Oregon, Oregon State

Big-10
Ten, fourteen, who’s counting? After losing Texas, they scramble to grab Nebraska (a premiere football program), Missouri (St Louis-KC eyeballs), and Kansas (a big-time hoops name brand). The Big-12 is officially deceased.

Flat: Illinois, Penn St, Ohio State, Michigan, Indiana, NWestern, Michigan State
Really Flat: Iowa, Minny, Wisconsin, Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Purdue.

Mountain West
The Mounties are more than happy to pick up the Big-12’s scraps. First, they have to rid those with limited fan bases. Wyoming Cowboy fans are a die-hard bunch, there’s just not enough of them. Wyoming, Air Force, and Colorado State get demoted to the WAC, which now has about 37 members. Texas Tech, Iowa State, Baylor, Oklahoma State, and Kansas State come over from the Big-12. Boise State makes the leap and is also added.

North: Boise State, Utah, BYU, Iowa St, Kansas St, UNLV
South: Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, TCU, New Mexico, San Diego State

SEC
Never to be outdone, the SEC says “Dangummit – if I’s knowns we can have more than twelb, we hab fouwrteen longs times ago!” Because some conferences have 14, the SEC jumps to 16. They pillage the ACC for: Florida State, Georgia Tech, Miami, and Clemson.

West: LSU, Ole Miss, Miss State, Auburn, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Georgia Tech
East: Florida, Florida State, Miami, Tennessee, Vandy, Clemson, South Carolina, Kentucky
(I know this doesn’t make sense geographically, tried to even the playing field while keeping same-state schools together)

Northeast
What’s left of the ACC merges with the Big East to create one hell of a basketball conference.

Old ACC: V-Tech, North Carolina, NC State, Wake Forest, Duke, Maryland, Virginia, BC,
Old Big East: Louisville, WV, Pitt, South Florida, Rutgers, UConn, Syracuse, Cincinnati

There you have it. Go ahead and throw some sweet action on this 74 team parlay and watch the money roll in – it’s gonna happen.

Goofy Thing You Come Across On Baseball-Reference.com

I love how they show a guys full name on Baseball-Reference.com, as in: Richmond Lockwood Sexson. Lockwood? Ha. They also often have a player's nickname in parenthesis.

How about: Todd Helton (The Toddfather).

The Toddfather?? WTF? You ever hear someone call him "The Toddfather?" Me neither.

HOF Rant

The NFL announced who will be in the 2010 Hall Of Fame. My first response was echoed by Stryker via text message: "John Randle, really? John Randle, first ballot HOF - REALLY?" I know, he's got a bunch of Pro Bowls and the like, but never once was I watching a game and thought "That's a hall of famer." But who cares what I think....I swear I never heard ANYBODY refer to him as a "Future HOFer" during his playing days or immediately after he retired. Did you remember reading: "Now that Randle hung up his cletes, the next stop is Canton." Nope. A first-ballot guy, no less?

And to show this isn't just an anti-Vikings rant, Cris Carter ABSOLUTELY belongs in. How is this guy not in the HOF already?

Can't leave without a Packer pledge - Old School edition. If you think Carter is getting the shaft, how about Jerry Kramer? In 1970, a NFL 50th Anniversary All-Time Team was selected. Kramer was one of the five O-linemen selected. Actually, he was the only Guard to make the team. Thus, he was voted as the best Guard in the first 50 years of the NFL's existence, but he's not in the Hall of Fame. W. T. F?

Garbage Drafts From The Last 25 Years

The 2002 NBA draft definitely makes First Team All-Shit for this topic -which hopefully becomes a regular feature post on this fine site.

Top 20 went like this (Editor's Note: I haven't followed the NBA closely since Reggie Lewis died, so please correct me if I'm wrong):

Yao - Good, but injury prone
Jay Williams - Career a car wreck, literally
Mike Dunleavy - Gay
Drew Gooden - Eh
Nikoloz Tskitishvili - WTF? Really?
Dajaun Wagner - A whopping 28 career starts in the NBA. His middle name is "Marquett," so that's a bonus. Yes, sans "e" at the end.
Nene Hilario - Pretty good player, but how would you like to be Nuggets fan...with the 5th and 7th picks you get Tskitter and Nene? LOL. Now THAT'S how you excite a fan base!
Chris Wilcox - I was HUGE on this guy coming out of Maryland. Fail.
Amare Stoudemire - Good
"Racine's Own" Caron Butler - Good
Jared Jeffries - Somehow, he's still an NBA starter
Melvin Ely - I believe he got shut down by Andy Kowske in the NCAA's. That's all you need to know about Melvin Ely.
Marcus Haslip - OUCH!
Fred Jones - He could jump...that's about it.
Bostjan Nachbar - I think he's Tskitishvili's cousin
Juri Welsh - Was he a Buck at some point?
Juan Dixon - Wins award for "Most Predictable Good College Player Who Will Get Drafted Too Early And Suck In The NBA" from this draft. Former winners include Mateen Cleaves, Kirk Haston, JR Ried, almost everybody from Duke, and Marcus Fizer.
Curtis Borchardt - A modern-day Loren Meyer.
Ryan Humphrey - I have zero recollection of this guy in College. He played at Notre Dame. Was he black? White? Center? Guard? Anyone?
Kareem Rush - No clue about his NBA exploits, but I do remember the Brothers Rush always being in hot water with the NCAA. We'll just assume Kareem smoked his way out of the NBA in three years.

If there was a re-draft of this greasefire tomorrow, It would probably look something like this:

Amare
Carlos Boozer
Yao
Tayshaun Prince
Nene
Butler
Gooden
And the rest of the teams would forefiet their picks to save cap space.

So there it is, the 2002 NBA draft...it's SHIIIIIIITTASTIC!!

Sorry, One More

Last football post until the draft, I promise. My hatred for all things Minnesota (sans Twins, I actually like them) runs deep....that loss was just too beautiful. Here's an impressive list of bumble-fuck Vikings events throughout the years. They've suffered more than Cubs fans...I heard Czabe list a couple of these the other day.:

0-4 in Super Bowls

0-5 last 5 NFC title games with three heartbreaks: on Sunday, 1998, 1987. I really don't recall 1987, but I read an article that says it's worse than 1998 and 2009 combine. Whatever. Throw in a 41-0 whitewash in the 2001 NFC Title game.

The Love Boat

Moss' shenanigans

Dimitius Underwood

The Hershael Walker trade

Mike Tice

Korey Stringer (not funny, a tragedy)

Drew Pearson

Jim Marshall running the wrong way.

The Metrodome

Finally - the Brett Favre interception. The savior. The guy who was your mortal enemy for 16 years was now the Messiah. Minnesota media voted Favre coming to the Vikings as the biggest sports story of the decade. Not Favre leading Minny to a Super Bowl trophy...just him signing with the Vikes. And in the end, the player you despised more than anyone was welcomed in like a God failed when it mattered most. Karma's a bitch.

Only The Facts

How Brent's last 6 playoff seasons have ended:

2009: Crushing INT with 7 seconds left in regulation - Vikes lose in OT in NFC Title game

2007: Crushing INT in overtime in a home loss to the Giants in NFC Title game

2004: Throws 4 picks during a blowout loss to the 8-8 Vikings in a home Wild Card game.

2003: Crushing INT in overtime to the Eagles...throwing it up to no one in particular.

2002: Throws two picks (for a 54 QB rating) in a blowout loss to the Falcons...the Packers first home playoff loss in team history.

20o1: Sets an NFL record with 6, count 'em 6, Interceptions against the Rams.

Make no mistake about it, Favre's a great REGULAR SEASON quarterback.

Pure Awesomness!

Barry Needs To Open A Calendar

Discussions of the Big-11 adding another team are heating up. Why? Money, of course. Well, unless you ask Barry Alvarez. He states:

"We're irrelevant for the last three weeks of the football season because we're not playing."

Three weeks is a stretch. Technically, there's only one weekend of football in between the last Big-11 conference games and the SEC/ACC/Big-12 Championship games (sponsored by Dr Pepper!). If Barry thinks this is such a problem, why doesn't the Big-11 push their schedule back? I don't get it. Here's how the schedule played out:

Saturday, November 21
-The Big-11 ends conference play, highlighted by Ohio State vs. Michigan.
- The other big boys also play conference games.

Saturday, November 28
- More conference action for the big boys including numerous rivalry games (Oklahoma-Okey St, Georgia-Georgia Tech, USC-UCLA, Florida-Florida St, etc)
- Where's the Big-11? Idle.

Thursday, December 3
- The Nation watches Oregon and Oregon St not only play the "Civil War," but play the Civil War with a Conference title on the line.

Saturday, December 5
- The ACC, Big-12, and SEC stage their conference championship games.
- The Big-11 features Fresno State-Illinois and Wisconsin-Hawaii. Yawn.

So, there you go. If ending the season too early is why "the conference is irrelevant," why the Hell doesn't the Big-11 push the final weekend of conference play to November 28th?? Or even save their showcase game (Michigan-OSU, in most years) to December 5th, or even Friday, December 4th?

Barry's right, his conference is irrelevant, but it's not because of the calendar. It's because: A) They haven't won a big time regular season game since Colt McCoy was a Freshman, B) they're 0-6 in the last six Rose Bowls with 4 blowouts, and C) The Big-11 is 0 for their last 6 BCS games, including 5 blowouts.

Sorry, Barry. If adding a 12th school is all about money, just say so. Don't insult our intelligence.

Those Glorious 9 Games

"We want to thank Jeronne for his contributions to the team while he was here and wish him the best of luck in the future," coach Buzz Williams

Truer words have never been spoken. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, will forget the contributions of the great Jeronne Maymon. Here's the top 5 moments of Maymon's illustrious Marquette career:

5) Maymon scores 4 points in a tight victory over Maryland-Eastern Shores. I mean, if he didn't hit those two buckets, MU only wins by 22. Clutch.

4) Who could forget that one time Jeronne brought his school books home and actually studied? Academic probation? No chance.

3) Maymon shows efficiency against UW-Milwaukee by going 4-4 with 8 points and 4 fouls in only 13 minutes of action. Maybe he has a future in the Horizon League? Hmmmmmmm.

2) During a trip to Kopps with the fellas, Jeronne shows serious dedication by settling for a triple scoop of chocolate fudge custard instead of the usual 4 scooper.

1) Heading back to the Kohl Center, Maymon excites the hometown crowd by scoring 4 points, grabbing 5 boards, setting a bunch of nice screens, and shooting 2-6 from the charity stripe. Yes, this was the highlight of the Jeronne Maymon era at Marquette.

P.S. Please stay away from Vander Blue! Thanks.

Glimpses Of My Life

My vacuum cleaner has been working like a turd. Just blows shit around instead of sucking it up. With it resembling Planet Hoth outside, I felt it was a good time to look at that bad boy. Flipped it over, took it apart and found the problem. It was being clogging it up by - no joke - a Bill Hall baseball card. One of those free ones they hand out at Miller Park. Yep, that sonofabitch is still giving me headaches months after leaving the Brewers. Damn you, Bill Hall!

What Happened To The Running QBs?

Watching the Packers game, I was stunned to hear Aaron Rodgers leads all QBs in rushing. Sure, he's quick and pretty athletic, but he's certainly not considered a "running quarterback."

I remember in college (1995-1999) there was this huge movement that you HAD to get a QB who could make plays with their hands and feet. "Today's defense are way too fast," was the mantra. Thus, all sorts of "duel-threats" were the "future" of the NFL. Guys like: McNair, McNabb, Culpepper, Couch, McNown, Vick, Quincy Carter, Carr, Kordell Stewart, Harrington, etc were the future of the league.

Well, what happened to those guys? Those duel-threat guys didn't do crap. Sure, McNabb and McNair had really good careers....but only after they learned how to throw from the pocket. Even today, take a look at the best QBs in football:

Manning - Basically a statue
Warner - Makes a statue look fast
Brees - Classic pocket passer
Favre - Hasn't left the pocket since about 1998
Brady - The slowest guy in the NFL. Ryan Pickett would beat him in a footrace.
Rivers - Has two left feet.
Big Ben - A Sherman Tank. Just stands there and lets guys bounce off of him
Rodgers - Decent wheels. Probably just running for his life.

Anyway...just thought it was funny how the "future" of NFL QBs were guys that had to make plays with their feet according to all the experts in 1996...Fail.

The Iron Sheik And Twitter - A Perfect Match

Looking for insightful commentary on sports biggest topics? The Iron Sheik has you covered:

Jermichael Finley - Pushing The Limits Of The English Language

I'm not sure if it's possible to speak in the 4th person. But if it is, I'm pretty sure Jermichael Finley just did it. Love this guy.

When asked about San Fran's Tight End, Finley said:

"Vernon Davis is a great threat in the pass game, I can't wait to see him play myself. On the other side, that #88, I can't wait to see him play - it's gonna be a great tight end matchup."

My head hurts.